Setahun yang lalu saya ada meluahkan perasaan kerana susah mengandung dalam satu blog. Saya copy paste di sini sebagai kenangan.
Friday, July 28, 2006
Our 2nd Wedding Anniversary is coming…
Today is already 28th of July… just a couple of weeks before our 2nd wedding anniversary… and we’re still without a baby to celebrate. Earlier in the morning, I got cramps and my stomach hurts… and I found that the bulan mengambang lagi…… My period comes on its 32 days cycle… as usual..and shatter my hopes to have a baby… again.. for the 23th time.
Deep down..I’m feeling very upset. I just can’t understand…why getting pregnant is VERY EASY for others while it’s so difficult and a really frustrating process for me and my hubby? A friend of mine got married on the same day as mine and she already have a healthy and funny 1-year plus baby boy. Ah… and my younger sister-in-law whom we jointly-held the wedding kenduri at my kampung… also got pregnant one month after she and my brother got married . My old classmate contacted me last week and told that she’s having a second baby in her tummy.
It’s like EVERYONE under the sun has been or is pregnant! All of our friends are getting pregnant with seeming ease but why is it so difficult for us? It’s so frustrating… and I know my dear husband is going to be frustrated again when he knows that it’s the time of the month again… when I got a bit cranky and moody…
You see, I’ve been trying to conceive for about 23 months now and every month I’ve held my breath for the 30 days waiting… twice it were 42 days… only to be disappointed by my period. It’s so disappointing to get my period every month when I’ve been trying so hard to get pregnant. We have tried the traditional urut (which somehow hurts…a bit..), plan for our intimate time during the ovulation days, mark my monthly period (where I can see the cycle is consistent) and the latest one… got me drinking air rebusan akar kayu which is so bitter in taste… and praying day and night…. but still… the period comes on time.
I can’t help but having the empty and sad feeling inside of me…you see… I’ve always love babies and kids… I have almost 30 nieces and nephews… from 16 year-old teenager to some 1-2 years old toddlers…. I have been their favorite aunty… and I was the one who became their “nanny” when the moms go shopping or working….(before I got married almost 2 years ago). And.. my hubby also love babies and children… kids find him funny and friendly…
Maybe.. it’s because of my age… but then.. I don’t believe that age is a factor…coz… a spinster of 42 years old from my previous company… instantly got pregnant after just one month after she got married. And… she thought she can’t get pregnant….
Maybe… it’s because of my genetics? But..that’s ridiculous…because my family is a very big family…I mean so very big…. I’m the 5th child from 7 sibbling… my eldest brother has 6 kids… my older sister has 8 kids (yes..EIGHT!)… my other brothers has 4 and 3 kids each… my younger sister has 3 kids and my younger brother has 1 kid… and more to come…. Same goes to my darling hubby side…. we’re genetically fine and healthy…
I know… maybe God has better plan for me … that I have to try again and be more patient. That I can prepare myself to be a better mother for my future child(s). And maybe I have to always bear in mind that what I think is easy for those folks may not necesarily be the case at all.
Previously, I thought that I’m suffering alone… but here at my new workplace… I can’t believe that there’re so many baby-less women…there’s a kakak that has been married for 15 years…. others have been married for more than 3 years… but have no luck in conceiving a baby. That kakak told me she has done everything to try to conceive but non is successful… and they already gave up and go for adoption.
A friend told me to get help at LPPKN…a government-run fertility centre… she said she’s having a treatment there now and the cost is very cheap compared to the private fertility clinics… which may cost you thousands of ringgits…The doctors and nurses at LPPKN is monitoring her hormon level… before they give her fertility treatment…which can be fertility pills, Intrauterine insemination or even IVF….
I told my husband about this… he said ” We’ll go there next month, ok..sayang..”. We’re not giving up hopes… not just yet.
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